Those who look on him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Shame
Is all I can think of
And yet to know I used to see only my pride
Without realizing why.
But now I know why:
I judge the fat girl because I don't think I'm skinny enough.
I judge the skinny girl because I don't think I'm strong enough.
I judge the lazy kid because I don't think I work hard enough.
I judge the girls who date because I don't have a boyfriend.
I judge the arrogant person because I judge too much!
What a despicable creature I am.
My pride is born out of my own shame.
Is it really such a shock that I'm insecure?
We all must know that word isn't just reserved for the girls raised
In crumbling homes with name-brand shirts that cover
Skin damaged by poor diets--
It's a parasite in every suburban neighborhood, certainly
Latched onto the front door of this pastor's house.
What is my greatest fear then?
Not appearing put together?
Not being accepted by God?
Not having friends?
I'm already convinced of the answer to these questions--No.
That's obvious. What really scares me is
Not having intimacy of any kind
Or being capable of love.
They say, if I do not love myself, I cannot love others.
So here I am, needing to be loved and needing to love.
God, the shame runs deep
And drives my sour thoughts.
Relieve the pit in my stomach
That blocks the self-ignorant unity
You command I have with my family.
I'm afraid of myself--please step in front of me
So I can digest your charis this time,
Not just when my dad finishes his sermon.
Hold my pharisaic legs in place even though
I squirm to meet the standard
Two thousand years away from my rituals.
They are as useless as an inexperienced fact and
As chilling as the suicide of a man whose life had been
Preserved by his martyred friend.
So if my checklist nails you back onto that cross,
Then shred the impulse in me.
Burn this addiction to productivity
Since I can't think of a greater crime
Than mine.
